Crystal Wine Bottle

April 19, 2008 8:18 am | Uncategorized

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crystal wine bottle
Would you please comment or critique my verse and title for me, thanks?

Where honey-suckle flower heads
of creamy-yellow cascade dense,
a heady perfume scents the air
from creeping vines on trellised fence.
A busy bee alights and drinks
sweet nectar in the fading light
then banks and hovers in his glee,
first waltzing left then spinning right.
A melody, a tuneful song
of birds in chorus in the birch,
a playful teasing evening breeze
brings vibrant chimes from nearby church.
The lazy feline sleek and black
sprawls stretched, content on well cut lawn
and opens one mean glass-green eye
before he gives his widest yawn.
The garden swing now empty creaks
as occupant returns indoors
with crystal glass and bottled wine
to face the bore of twilight chores.
Edit, comma after empty
Edit: ev’ning ( a beat out)
Edit: Ian: You spotted the deliberate mistake? Where would you be without correcting the clunkers?
Elaine: Ian is no troll to me. He has provided me with lots of detailed comments in the past

Well observed and constructed.
Dense, rich and sensuous.
Every word counts, with some great sound effects.

A bit of a come-down at the end, but I suppose that was deliberate. Nice internal rhyme: “bore” and chores” emphasises the monotony of the work to be done.

Crystal Winebottle & Cup USB Flash Memory Disk from Dinodirect.com


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